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> The joke thread, Add your favorite joke here
Putaforkinya
Posted: Apr 13, 2015 - 11:02 am


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Proof that different species of fish stick together
Also the only fishing joke I know lol.




A man takes a trip way up north to go bass fishing, after not catching even one fish he gets frustrated and starts shooting his hand gun into the water. he hits a bass and so grabs the dead bass and puts it into his boat. right then and there a walleye jumps into his boat and says "you shouldn't have done that, now i'll give you 2 chioces. one, you can pull down your pants and let me bite you on where it hurts or 2 we all sink your boat and leave you out here stranded in the middle of the lake"

the man looks around and sees the biggest school of walleye he has ever seen and knows that they will make good on thier promise. he chooses the first option.
He goes back home and is sore for a couple days but he's more mad than anything and so he decides to go back to the same spot but with his shotgun. he tracks down that very same walleye and shoots him dead. he grabs the walleye and puts it into his boat. but right then and there a big northern pike jumps into his boat and says "you shouldn't have done that, now i'm going to give you 2 choices. 1 you pull down your pants and let me bite you on where it hurts or 2 we sink your boat and make sure you don't make it back to shore"
the man looks into the water and sees that it's chopped full of a school of the biggest angriest pike's he's ever seen in his life and so he decides to take the first option.

he goes back home sore, so sore that he's hurt for weeks but he is so angry that he goes back up to that same spot where the pike was and throws dinamite every where, he kills the pike dead and goes to pick up whats left of the body when all of a sudden the biggest muskie he has ever seen jumps into his boat.
and the muskie says to the man "you don't come here for the fishing do you?"

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BigMeat
Posted: Apr 15, 2015 - 03:46 pm


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Two Trees and a Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

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FatRap
Posted: Apr 16, 2015 - 09:51 am


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A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".




A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

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Putaforkinya
Posted: Apr 16, 2015 - 11:04 am


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a father takes his son into a bar to use the washroom. the son notices the condom machine and says "daddy daddy what are those?" the dad says "son those are called 3 packs those are for high school boys, 1 for friday, 1 for saturday and 1 for sunday"

the kid points back at the machine and says "daddy daddy what are those?"
the father says "son those are called 6 packs those are for collage boys, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday"

the kid then looks one for time and says "daddy daddy what are those?"
the dad then says to the kid "son those are called 12 packs, those are for married men. 1 for January, 1 for february....."

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Gonagin
Posted: Apr 18, 2015 - 04:34 pm


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The elderly couple had been out for a nice dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home they decided to detour past their favorite parking space of many years before. He pulled to the side of the road and stopped and the smile on their faces and the twinkle in the eyes showed the thoughts of past "good times" . He took her hand and says "Love, do you remember what we used to do against that fence?" She says----"Yes" He says, "do you think we could try that again?" She says----"Yes" They shuffled back to the car totally exhausted and fell into their seats. When he got his breath he says "You know Love, I'm sure you had more moves than you did 50 years ago." She replies "Sweetie, that wasn't an electric fence 50 years ago."

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Mackfisher
Posted: Apr 19, 2015 - 05:07 pm


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Was talking to a guy up north by the cottage. I asked what he does up here for fun and he told me fish and f***.

ok fair enough

Well how about the winter than?

Well you can't fish....

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Putaforkinya
Posted: Apr 20, 2015 - 05:13 am


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a 70 year old, an 80 year old, and a 90 year old sit down together to have breakfast and the 70 year old says "getting old sucks, no matter how much liquids i drink or cranberry juice i always have trouble peeing"
the 80 year old says "wait until you're my age, i can't take a proper poop no matter how much prunes i eat, i just can't go"
than the 90 year old says "every morning at 7:30 i take a pee and then i take a poo"
the 70 year old and the 80 year old look at him in aw and say "that's not bad at all, actually that sounds great"
the 90 year old looks at them and says "i don't wake up until 9:00 o'clock"

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Putaforkinya
Posted: Apr 20, 2015 - 09:38 am


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A MAN SUSPECTED HIS WIFE OF CHEATING, SO HE HIRED THE FAMOUS CHINESE DETECTIVE, CHEN LEE, TO WATCH AND REPORT ANY SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES WHILE HE WAS AWAY, A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECIEVED THIS REPORT.

MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE, I WATCH HOUSE, HE COME TO HOUSE, I WATCH, HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL, I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN HE KISS SHE, SHE KISS HE, HE STRIP SHE, SHE STRIP HE, HE PLAY WITH SHE, SHE PLAY WITH HE, I PLAY WITH ME, I FALL OFF TREE, I NO SEE.

NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.

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Cardinal 4
Posted: Apr 22, 2015 - 10:30 am


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Haha that's funny, maybe he should hire Charles Chan next time


A little old lady walks into a small diner, sit down and says, " I'd like a hamburger. "

The big fat guy behind the counter yells, " one burger!"

The cook, who's bigger and fatter and greasy, yells back," one burger coming up! "

He grabs a big hunk of chopped meat , puts it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm to flatten it, and throws it on the grill.

The old lady says to the guy behind the counter " that is the most disgusting thing I seen in my entire life!!"

He says, " yeah lady , disgusting? You should be here in the morning when he makes doughnuts! "







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Putaforkinya
Posted: May 07, 2015 - 04:46 pm


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a good one from fatrap



The Deaf Bookkeeper


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Putaforkinya
Posted: Jun 03, 2016 - 09:47 am


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Fatrap I liked your joke so much I had to go into the archives to find the joke thread to add it in lol.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'

'No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!'

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Obama,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .' And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

Well, his boss is pretty shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

'The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.'

So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican .

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k's that on the balcony with Dave?'

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JAYG79
Posted: Jun 03, 2016 - 01:52 pm


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How do you castrate a hillbilly? Kick his sister in the jaw.

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tuna
Posted: Jun 03, 2016 - 02:13 pm


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metalbuckle
Posted: Jun 07, 2016 - 07:47 am


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LMAO, Deaf bookkeeper..

OK, one of my old favorites, seen it a few times, and still makes me laugh..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oZFRg8ryb0

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oZFRg8ryb0&rel=0[/YOUTUBE]

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FatRap
Posted: Jun 07, 2016 - 08:17 am


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QUOTE (metalbuckle @ Jun 07, 2016 - 09:47 am)
LMAO, Deaf bookkeeper..

OK, one of my old favorites, seen it a few times, and still makes me laugh..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oZFRg8ryb0

[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oZFRg8ryb0&rel=0[/YOUTUBE]

LMAO, must have been on his way to the 24 hour Home Depot to pick up some bags of cement

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